I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
