I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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