One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
