just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
