My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
