I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
