so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
