I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
