Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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