call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
