I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
