Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Randomize
