I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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