no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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