the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
