honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
