Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
