I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
