I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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