I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
