it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
