I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
