Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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