The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
