I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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