Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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