I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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