i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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