When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
