I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she told me i tasted like america
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize