either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
