Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
