just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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