i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
