He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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