He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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