party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Pants are for mortals
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
