Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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