Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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