Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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