I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
