i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
