I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
