JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You were trust falling into bushes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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