You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My dick has a subreddit
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
