I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
