The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
