im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
