he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
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