Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
