I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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