I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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