the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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