Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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