EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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