So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
