i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
