If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
