Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
