Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry about my life...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
