life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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