I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
