And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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