i was born a porn star she said
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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