I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
